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Looking at the rollercoaster of family life from baby to adult and everything in between

Tuesday 18 March 2014

In Praise Of Older Children







I often find myself wishing I could turn back the clock and relive all those early stages with my children. How much easier it would be with the benefit of hindsight, above all with the knowledge that time passes so quickly and, almost in the blink of an eye, your children are no longer cute little bundles but handsome young adults who tower above you. I have loved all the different stages of my children's lives; I was one of the really lucky ones for whom breastfeeding was a breeze (which is fortunate as I could never get the hang of sterilising bottles), I thrived on lack of sleep, was super organised and an ace at multi-tasking. I adored having lots of little people around me who all thought I was the most wonderful person in the universe. Life was hectic, I was always exhausted but I was happy. It was always so easy to solve my children's problems and so easy to make them happy; I literally could "kiss them better." How different it is as your children grow older. My mother always said to me, "the problems don't go away as your children grow, they just get bigger." How right she was! It is so difficult to watch your older children face obstacles and problems and to be unable to do more than offer reassurance that you will love them no matter what. And sometimes you have to stand well back and let your children do it their way even when you know from experience that it will all end in tears. Sometimes you have to adopt a policy of tough love and leave your child to deal with the problems they have caused, all the time desperately wanting to demolish all the obstacles in their path like a giant wrecking ball. Letting go is hard but necessary and definitely gets easier with practice.

I remember when I was a teenager telling my parents to have faith and I often remind myself of that when dealing with my own children. I always told my parents that they had done a good job bringing me up and had instilled good values in me so why were they so worried? Now, of course I understand perfectly - the worry starts the moment they enter the world and never abates, just the same as the total all encompassing love you feel for them no matter what.

So I look at my own children and yes, of course I worry for them but at the same time I can see that I've done a good job and that I've succeeded in raising five incredibly gorgeous children. They can be infuriating, untidy, lazy and inconsiderate but if I'm honest a hundred times less so than I was at the same age and I wasn't a difficult teenager. Most of the time they are a joy to be with. They make me laugh every single day, they support one another, they are interested in one another and always take the time to ask me about my day. They behave well at school, make polite conversation with my friends, and show an interest in visitors. Yes, they often need to be reminded to put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher or throw their rubbish in the bin and even after five years still need to have the recycling system explained to them but they do respond when being nagged (eventually) and will pull together if the house is a mess and "I absolutely must have it tidy right now or I will explode!" And sometimes they surprise me by emptying the dishwasher without being asked, by making me a cup of tea just when I need it most or by just giving me a hug when it's all getting too much and I feel on the verge of tears.

The teenage years are tricky ones but also so much fun. I love the discussions about world issues we can have over dinner, I love the fact that sometimes my children will tuck me in at night when I'm so tired I just need my bed, I love the way they put so much thought into birthday and Christmas gifts for me. I love how they introduce new music to me and check my downloads list to see if there's anything they can steal. I love how polite their friends are when they come round for meals and how kind they are to the eleven year old. I love how protective they are of me and how thoughtful they can be about keeping in touch by text if they're out late or are away from home. I love how they have the courage to tell me very calmly when I'm in the wrong and have taken the wrong approach with one of their brothers and I love how they are also kind enough to tell me when I've made the right decision even if they didn't agree with it at the time.

I would hate to be a teenager in today's world. There is so much pressure on them from such an early age to perform well, to look good, to be sporty, talented, cool. And all the time they seem to get such a bad press. Yet for the most part the teenagers I see on a daily basis are incredible; they are confident, caring, polite and enthusiastic young adults who, for the most part, do us all proud. I know that tomorrow I will have to nag my teenagers to make their beds but I also know they will hug me when they leave for school, hug me when they return from school and when they go to bed, and they will make me smile and laugh many times in between.

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