In my last ex-files post I berated my ex for his lack of support with our children. But this week I've been feeling a little like Bridget Jones when she's talking to her fellow inmates in the Thai prison about how badly treated she's been by her boyfriend only to hear just how awful things really could have been.
I've had a number of discussions with my ex over the last week or so which show that we are at least singing from the same hymn sheet in respect of the values we want to instil in our children even if we disagree over how best to achieve that. It's good to know that we can put up a united front rather than fall into one of those awful situations where children with divorced parents learn to play one off against the other. That doesn't mean the boys don't ever try to do this, just that their dad and I seem to have a sixth sense about when we're being played and can communicate enough to avoid falling into the trap. I think it probably also helps that having five children there is very little that any single child can ever get away with since there is always at least one sibling who will drop him in it, either accidentally or very, very deliberately.There have been many instances since our divorce when I have felt very isolated in dealing with the children but at least I have never really had to deal with their father blatantly sabotaging and overturning my parenting decisions. To be fair to him his lack of input into the boys' lives probably has more to do with his faith in my abilities rather than a lack of concern. There have been many instances when I have felt alone but at least he is still part of the boys' lives and hasn't given up on them like many parents in a similar position. And even though he couldn't for the life of him tell you which year of school they're in, the names of teachers or friends or current favourite foods and will often forget their birthdays and other key events, he does love them and will always be there for them in some shape or form.
Bringing up children alone is hard work; I have a multitude of roles to fulfil and the bottom line is if I don't do it then it won't get done. There are times when I feel like I have so many demands on my time I just don't know which way to turn and I can end up feeling like a dog chasing its tail, in perpetual motion but getting nowhere. Life with children involves constant change, just as you get on top of one phase you enter new uncharted territory. And life has a habit of throwing a few curve balls in along the way so the best laid plans tend to go awry. Some days feel like one long series of decisions and the only thing I desire is to have one decision to be taken out of my hands. As children become older the decisions become more complicated as they start to involve alcohol, sex, partying. It becomes difficult to make those decisions in isolation particularly if you, the decision-making parent, had a particularly strict or particularly relaxed teenhood. It's equally difficult to involve the absent parent who may have little contact with other children of the same age or with parents of teenagers . I am very glad that my children know that it is up to me to make those decisions and that there is no use going whining to their dad if they don't like it. This certainly isn't the case with many divorced parents I know or, for that matter, in many families where the parents are still together. Rather than backing each other up each parent seems to vie for position of cool parent and will suddenly change the rules to achieve this. My boys' dad often doesn't know the current rules and, although there have been a few occasions when he has made totally the wrong decision (a quick text or call would have helped!), he will normally be sensible enough to ask at least two of the boys ensuring of course that neither has had the chance to confer beforehand and that any decision would not benefit them in the slightest.
I am resigned to the fact that I am both good and bad 'cop' and to be honest I think it works in my favour. The boys know that if they please me in little ways then I will be more inclined to be flexible when it comes to their social lives. They know that if they help me with things around the house I'll be in a better position to transport them to meet friends. There's no-one else to do it so they need to work around their siblings and my schedule, understanding that they are one small cog in a very large wheel. Their dad totally escapes the job of taxi driver and the evening spent trying to stay awake until it's time to pick up, something that I do naturally resent from time to time (I'm only human after all) but at least he does frequently remind the boys that they are fortunate that I will provide this service and reminds them that they shouldn't presume to make plans before checking with me first. And although I get all the late nights to deal with, the nagging over homework, laundry, laundry and even more laundry, and constant demands for food, I also get all the good things and I get to be with my children virtually every
single day of the year.
So this week I'm feeling pretty good about my status as divorced mum, I feel like we're working OK together and that my ex is providing moral support albeit very much in the background. Will this last? Of course not! He's due to collect them on Saturday for a weekend visit (a night of freedom - YAY!) so will probably say or do something so annoying that my hackles will rise again but that'll be another story.
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